Random Thoughts

Proving that real life is weirder than fiction… Time Magazine has a blurb about uhm, the missing penis of King Tut. For real.

Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre has broken its 400 year old curse! Huzzah!

I’d read about this years ago and now it’s coming to my part of the woods. I think I want to go to this: MacHomer.

Bulwer-Lytton That’s Some Bad Fiction!

It’s that time of the year again – the Bulwer-Lytton award day! The Bulwer-Lytton award honors deliberate attempts at terrible writing to honor English novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the guy who started his novel with the phrase “It was a dark and stormy night.”

This year’s grand prize winner:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.

Molly Ringle
Seattle, WA

A couple of my faves:

Winner: Detective

She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.

Steve Lynch

San Marcos, CA

Winner: Western

He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him — perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before.

Linda Boatright

Omaha, NE

Winner: Romance

“Trent, I love you,” Fiona murmered, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover’s masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

Paul Chafe

Toronto, ON

Runner-Up:

She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.

Jonathan Blay

Bedford, Canada

You can see all the “winners” at the official website! Happy reading!

About Chris Brown Last Night

Owner’s Note: I’m going to break a rule on my blog today – I generally try to keep the language clean here but this post, not so much.

So, the BET Awards were last night and Chris Brown did a song and dance tribute to Michael Jackson. And no doubt, it’s good. And today the internet is littered with “WOW! Chris Brown is BACK!” But here’s what’s killing me today – why are we letting Chris Brown do anything? He BEAT THE HELL out of his girlfriend (Rihanna) in early 2009. I realize that in the entertainment news cycle that’s, like, EONS ago, but you know what? It’s not.

Seriously people?

Read the assault affadavit that the police took from Rihanna. It’s not like he snapped, hit her once, and then realized what a mistake he’d made. That I could almost understand. I’ve been mad enough to want to slap my husband. Or my little brother when I was younger. No, that’s not what happened. He repeatedly punched her in the face. Verbally threatened her life. BIT HER ON THE EAR. Tried to strangle her with a chokehold. Bit her hands when she tried to make him stop.

You can make a he said/she said argument I suppose but look at this:
Rihanna beaten up

You can’t dispute the damage to her face.

And here’s another thing. I’d have some amount of sympathy if he’d apologized, admitted he has a problem, done some serious time in rehab, etc. But he didn’t. Seven months later he did Larry King, looking like a dick in a baby blue sweater and bow tie. Seriously dude, besides Orville Redenbacher, who wears that? And he never quite really fessed up or straight up said “beating women is wrong.”

And I know, I know, Michael Jackson and pedophilia. I’ve always had a hard time with that. One the one hand, the claims are creepy as hell but on the other hand, he was never convicted and some of the people making the accusations were skeezy and later recanted. So for me, it’s hard to tell truth from money grabbing slags wrapped in human skin. I know, I know, sometimes juries get it wrong. But innocent until proven guilty, even for you, OJ.

Last night Chris had a breakdown on stage during his cover of Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror. Maybe he broke down for real because it was a tribute to a man he’s said to idolize. Maybe it was a savvy career move. Either way, I find it ironic because of the lyrics. Chris Brown, you better be taking a good long hard look at that man in the mirror and you better be asking him to change his ways. Because beating up a woman is NEVER EVER acceptable. You’re lucky I’m not Rihanna’s mom you stupid motherfucker because I’d have nailed your ass to the motherfucking wall.

So to sum up, FUCK YOU, Chris Brown. And the commenters around the internet saying things like “Whatever. Bitch deserved it. Sometimes you need to beat your woman.” you all are sick, sick people. Seek help. Seriously.

I’m going to go to my happy place now. I promise to be more upbeat tomorrow.

Twilight Scares Me

I don’t think I’ve ever made any bones about the fact that I am NOT a fan of the Twilight book series. Quite the opposite in fact. So this piece in the LA Times kinda blows my mind.

“I check the Internet all day long for ‘Twilight’ news, from the minute I wake up until I go to bed at midnight,” says Joyce Swiokla, 50, a former engineer who runs the website CullenBoysAnonymous.com. “If there is a chemical that’s released when you’re falling in love, your brain has it when you’re reading or watching ‘Twilight.’ You get that utopic feeling of first love and you want to experience it over and over again.”

“My husband finally came to me and said, ‘I think you love “Twilight” more than you love me,’ ” says Johnson, who had become especially attached to the community she’d found online. “I ended up moving out of the house and fought for my marriage for six weeks. I had to take a step back and detox myself from ‘Twilight.’ I was really angry that I had allowed it to suck me in. Now I meet women every single day where ‘Twilight’ has become a major issue in their marriage.”

Ok, I can get kind of obsessive about things. For example, if I start reading a book that I get into, I pretty much have to just finish the damn thing otherwise it gets stuck in my brain to finish finish finish finish finish.

I guess where I’m stuck is – WHY Twilight? The books just aren’t that good. I can think of lots of other kinda romantic kinda supernatural books to love. What is it about sparkling vampires and underage werewolves that gets the ladies so obsessed?