ROCKYFEST!

Today is a momentous occasion. Today a group of us are watching all SIX Rocky films. In one sitting. Oh yes. Why you ask? Why NOT I say. Actually, my co-workers are trying to peer pressure me into playing World of Warcraft with them. I’ve been resisting. Then I found out that a co-worker, Katherine, has been resisting watching Rocky. So I thought that if I told her she had to watch all the Rocky films, I’d be off the hook. But no.

To make this more palatable, there’s lots and lots of food. And I have a mimosa. So far, so good.

I’ve decided to liveblog it. To share the pain.

ROCKY – 10:35 am

So far, Rocky has a lot of pathos. Also, there are white guys hanging on the street corner singing acapella. I can see why this movie won an Oscar. My cuddle buddy, Raimie the dog, is digging and settling in with me.

Oooh, mimosa. Back in a few.

10:48am – First mimosa down. Rocky’s hat is PIMP. I want it. The sign in the locker room says “NO KISSING.” Ha! Raimie the dog has crawled over me to my husband and is now asleep on his leg. I thought we had something special. I feel so used. OOH! Burgess Meredith! I love The Penguin! He called Rocky a tomatoe. I don’t know what that means but I like it. I need more mimosa. Also, batter blast pancake. Back in a few.

Wait, Rocky called parakeets flying candy. I think that won Adrian over. Huh.

Fun fact: This Best Picture Oscar winning movie was written by Sly Stallone. Who knew he had such a command of the English language?

Fun fact: The “Italian Stallion” is the re-titled name of Stallone’s first film, “Party at Kitty and Stud’s.” Yes, this is a softcore porn starring Sly Stallone.

11:07 am – Mimosa #2 is on. A man is waving a turkey leg around. That’s how you know he’s gangsta. Raimie the dog is back next to me all cuddled up in the blanket. Ilsa the mini-dog is jumping for attention. She’s freaking adorable. Batter blaster pancakes consumed. Not half bad! And Bill made them in the shape of fists. YES!

Rocky’s now wooing Adrian. (She likes the zoo.) She’s got awesome 1970s style glasses. See?

Talia Shire's glasses

Ice skating. What’s Adrian’s deal? Rocky just explained the history of the word “southpaw” but I think he got it wrong. Yeah, he did. He can’t sign, he can’t dance. Eh, oh!

Oh! He named his turtles Cuff and Link! AWESOME. Now he’s being a smooth operator.

FUN FACT: They are Rocky stamps. Not in the US but yeah.

Uh oh, Adrian doesn’t belong here. She’s not happy with Rocky’s smooth operations. I’d be worried about his knife in the wall decor too. This is getting a little date rapey. RUN ADRIAN RUN!

You don’t have to kiss me back if you don’t want. SERIOUSLY? RUN ADRIAN!

Meech just said: Is he playing his own theme song in the background?

Oh Adrian, in the door way? *sigh*

11:42 am – Training begins. With 5 raw eggs in a glass. And a 4am run. Up the stairs. CLASSIC. I’m wheezing with him.

Now we’re in a meat locker. Which reminds me of this awesome toy I ran across once.

Rocky, the Meat Action Figure.

Ew, Adrian’s getting frisky. And getting shot down. He just basically told her to get off him and get in the kitchen to make the meat. RUN ADRIAN!

UPDATE: Info on the Rocky stamps.

Burgess Meredith has the BEST lines. “Women weaken legs!”

11:52 MUSICAL TRAINING MONTAGE!!

Rocky invented it! Bloody training in the meathouse = AWESOME.

Raimie the dog is still with me. I WIN!

Raimie the dog

Paulie is Christmas drunk. And now he has a baseball bat. This won’t end well.

12:00 noon – THE musical training montage. YES! FEELING STRONG NOW! Take the steps! YES! Punch the sky!

Top of the steps

12:12 Entering the area. In a HOT robe. With escorts in pink sweaters. Italian Stallion FTW! Apollo Creed’s entrance is AWESOME. He’s George Washington crossing the Delaware in a boat. Throwing money. With Spangly Lady Liberties leading the way. Now he’s Uncle Sam. USA! USA! Is he talkin to me?

Must focus. It’s the big fight. More mimosa. Back in a few.

EPIC BATTLE. Eye cutting with razor. ADRIAN!!! I LOVE YOU!

Rocky II – 12:29pm

Is this the Eye of the Tiger one? I hope so. I’m ready to Eye of the Tiger it!

FUN FACT: This one was written and directed by Sly.

It opens with a recap from the last film. In case we forgot what happened 2 minutes ago. (To be fair, what other idiots watch these back to back to back?) CUT ME MICK! Oh we start up right where we left off.

SNACK ATTACK! Back in a few.

Bill: Unfortunately because of his bad English, they can’t tell if he’s under anasthesia.

I wonder if you wouldn’t mind marrying me too much? HOT 80s style bridesmaid dress.

12:51p Condominiums? I never used em. OH the doo wop boys are back! We got a little married you know?

Creed has an AWESOME satin outfit. (Katherine: Woman you KNOW I’m serious. I’m wearing SATIN PANTS!) Rocky just bought an awesome AWESOME tiger jacket. And this guy made a replica of it.

Andrew pointed out that this dialogue is very repetitive. Likely so Sly can remember it.

BREAKING NEWS: Bea Arthur has died. This breaks my heart.

1:34pm – This movie is all about the heartbreak of dreams lost. Also, the last cheesey sausage ball has been consumed. Apollo Creed is fired up. He’s gonna drop Rocky like a bad habit.

The Penguin still has the best lines. We need some greasy speed!

Rocky is training by chasing a chicken. I’d watch Rocky vs. Chicken all day long.

Now it’s a compare/contrast of Rocky training and Creed training. This is good stuff.

OH OH OH! “Eat lightning, crap thunder.” WISE WORDS, Penguin!

Penguin

It’s a boy! But Adrian is really sick! In a coma! ADRIAAAAAAN!


The Penguin doesn’t want to get mad in a Biblical place like this.

I need another mimosa. And BBQ chips.

I fell down. NOT mimosa related I swear.

2:02pm TRAINING MONTAGE! Chicken is caught! Running with children! Slo mo cheer with the city children!

Rocky running

Rocky’s baby kind of worries us. His hair is crazy.


Rocky's baby


Rocky got blessed by an old Italian priest so he doesn’t get beat up too bad.

Andrew just pointed out that there are a lot of homo-erotic lines in this. I think that’s prolly true of all sports films.

2:15pm – THE BIG FIGHT

2:31pm THE END.

Walking around break. And SLURPEE run! WOOO! We found Rocky VI (Rocky Balboa) for $6.99 at the 7-11. Score!

Rocky III – 2:59pm

TAGLINE: A Fighter. A Lover. A Legend. The Greatest Challenge.

3:07pm EYE OF THE TIGER!!!!! MONTAGE! Best. Rocky. Yet.

Now introducing… Mister T! Uh oh, 7% battery. Back with some power in a bit.

OMG. Hulk Hogan is the wrestler “Thunderlips.” Yes, you read that right. THUNDERLIPS. And they made a funny Bob Hope joke.

Oh oh oh! A Thunderlips DOLL! Check it out. Here’s Thunderlips in costume:

Thunderlips

3:30pm “This city really took me inside.” *raise eyebrows* Oh! Mister T appears! With feathers in his ears! And Penguin quits! Now Mister T is macking it to AAAAADRIAN! Rocky doesn’t like this. Oh no. Rocky don’t.

3:43pm If I don’t get one “I pity the fool” out of this film, I will be disappointed.

3:50pm Slo-mo knock down. Get up Rocky! Mick is dying! Clubber Lang gonna win?

3:53pm Touching death moment with Mickey. Raimie wants to get with my unibody. He’s got good taste.

3:57pm Angry Rocky throws his bike helmet as his statue then rides off. UNSAFE Rocky!

4:05pm Apollo Creed: “Eye of the Tiger baby, eye of the tiger.” Paulie: “Racist comment. Racist comment. Racist comment.”

4:19pm Yet another training montage. With midriff shirts. Running on the beach. Apollo and Rocky are totally BFFs now. GETTING STRONGER! By the way, Bill is grilling these amazingly DELICIOUS chicken kebabs with pineapple. The next round are BACON WRAPPED. Delicious.

4:23pm Apollo wants Rocky to wear his old shorts. That’s…

4:26 Getting ready for the big re-match. Rocky lost weight for this one.

FUN FACT: Sly is only 5’9″.

4:28 FIGHT!

4:37 Rocky wins! Now time for witty by play with Rocky and Apollo. EYE OF THE TIGER INTO THE CREDITS! Best. Rocky. Ever.

ROCKY IV (This might be my fave, because hello, Dolph) – 4:43pm

Fun Fact: Bill Conti did the music for the Rocky films. Bill’s also scored such epics as Karate Kid, For Your Eyes Only, Masters of the Universe, The Right Stuff, as well as TV shows Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Cagney & Lacey, and The Lifestyles of The Rich And Famous, and the theme to American Gladiators.

Fun Fact: Dolph Lundgren, the guys who plays the Russian in Rocky IV, is wicked smart. Like, turned down a Fulbright to MIT smart. For serious.

Rocky IV opens, like all the other films, with a recap of the previous fight. But this one is to the tune of Eye of the Tiger, and exploding boxing gloves. This is already the best opening yet.

Enter the awesome robot!

Rocky IV robot

Oh I just found a Rocky Wiki. Sweet!

4:58pm The robot just said “You can get it right here.” Uhm…

5:17pm Creed vs Drago has begun. There was an excellent musical number to open the fight. James Brown doing a Vegas style “Living in America” show. Now Creed’s getting the cotton beaten out of him. I think this won’t end well.

5:19pm Yep. Slo mo knockout. Followed by twitching. “If he dies, he dies.” And then death. Heavy. Go back to the USSR!

5:55pm I’ve been hypnotized by all the training montages with 1980s music. Time for the big fight, USSR style!

6:11pm USA! USA! USA! Now Rocky is making a Cold War ending speech. It is epic. Merry Christmas! Hearts on Fire!

Bathroom break. While we stretch, might I mention that my husband has been on his laptop almost the whole time and he’s still not had to charge up. Most impressive.

ROCKY V (aka “The Bad One”) – 6:35pm

Ooooh Sly’s son plays… Rocky’s son in this one. Sweet.

7:08pm So far this is the depressing Rocky. Brain damage. Foreclosure. Robbed. Sad stuff.

7:16pm This Don King wanna be is annoying.

7:39pm To be or not to be that’s the question! The soundtrack is very C+C Music Factory. Rocky’s kid is getting beaten up and feeling unloved because Rocky is getting questionably close to Tommy Gunn. Yes, that’s his name, Tommy Gunn.

8:20pm THE END. Rocky punched out Tommy Gunn and Fake Don King. Excellent. Overall, the weakest of the films.

ROCKY BALBOA – 8:45pm

The LAST of the Rocky films. My butt hurts. But I am in it to win it. I just started a mango orange juice mimosa to help. Pizza is incoming.

Oh now this one opens with a montage of the NEW guy’s fight. Nice. Mixing it up. The new guy’s name? Mason Dixon. Nice.

Oh, the turtles are back!

ADRIAN IS DEAD? What?? He keeps a chair in the tree. That’s kinda sweet.

8:50 Peter Petrelli!! Still cute. What’s with Rocky’s eyebrows? There’s something sketchy going on there.

8:54 Spider Rico from the first movie makes an appearance.

Andrew: DId I mention this whole movie is about angst?

8:58 “Ice is stupid, People standing on ice are more stupid.” Ah Paulie. Also, what’s with the weird lighting? Trying to be all artsy.

9:02 Little Marie is back! But we learned that Adrian died from “woman cancer” a few years back.

9:05 Uh oh, local street thugs make Rocky angry.

9:13 Raimie is snoring happily on Andrew’s leg. CNN is doing projected ratings of Balboa vs. Mason Dixon. Dixon is losing. FACE!

9:20 OH NOES. Pizza guy is lost.

9:56pm GOd I can’t believe it’s almost 10. Anyway, pizza guy arrived, YUM. Rocky is going to unretire to fight Mason DIxon. Shock. But the vibe between him and Little Marie is a little weird. Peter Petrelli is still kind of a whiner. COWBOY UP Peter Petrelli.

10:02 BROWNIE. Also, big Rocky monologue to his son.

10:07 CLASSIC TRAINING MONTAGE! With more raw eggs! Run Punchy, run!

10:17pm Fight night in Vegas. Tyson in the house! It’s a fight, it’s a fight. And the “let’s get ready to rumble” announcer guy! This part is being shot like we’re watching it on CNN. It’s kinda cool actually. I do enjoy that the traumatic brain damage that Rocky had in the last film is, you know, totally not mentioned. “Guys named Rocky don’t like to be toyed with.”

10:26 Oooh black and white slo mo. And tinted black and white. ARTSY BOXING! This is by far the most artistic montage I’ve ever seen. Nice work, old Sly. By the Power of Peter Petrelli you can do this!

My new favorite line is a variation on “I’m gonna make his ancestors feel that one.”

Rocky goes all 10 rounds! Split decision! 95-94. Mason gets the win. But no brain damage to the old man. Rocky! Rocky! Yo Adrian, we did it!

No WE did it. Credits roll at 10:36pm! Ending credit montage!

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3 thoughts on “ROCKYFEST!”

  1. Girl, we respect your dedication…your ambition…and most of all, your alcohol tolerance. Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye of the tiger.

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